Hit by another crossroad

Yesterday I was into two meetings, with both made me stand on a brand-new crossroad.

Yesterday morning first. At around 2 months ago I was referred by my pastor regarding ... um, something that I cannot mentioned yet. (By the way, I will be cryptic for the rest of this blog entry. Last time I did this was when I created my first blog I had used to deliberately hurt people back when I was a backslider. This time I foresee the potential for some people to get hurt. Just to let everyone know that this is not my intention as I will remain respectful to people that could get hit, and I would apologize in advance for this.) Last Thursday my pastor arranged a meeting with a certain brother in church. Yesterday morning was our date at a local coffee shop.

I have been briefed before with the concern, the reason for the meeting, by my pastor. But when our conversation with this brother continued, I was overwhelmed with what really was happening at his place. With those revelations, I have been thinking of the how's and the why's those happened, but most especially on what I could offer to help.

After the meeting that morning, I went to the next meeting in my day's event list, did some arrangements and stuff. At some point in time, a bittersweet scene happened. It hurt me deep as I have plans I have yet to execute but wouldn't, because I have been making sure I have the coasts cleared. Unfortunately, my haunch turned true...

I was in emotional pain the whole time since that meeting started. I kept reminding myself I could be happy for them, and currently I continue to ask for God's strength so that I really could, as I have decidedly chosen to continue building them up despite this.

Overall, I know He will never leave me despite these times. I will trust on Him to guide me what I will do out from these two meetings yesterday.

Goodbye, Yahoo 360...

Lately I have just found the beta service Yahoo 360 is going to be suspended permanently. I am having a nostalgia right now. That site is the host to my first blog site. Soon it won't be. They had sent me an e-mail notice that they are going to shut down this service sometime in July this year.

What actually triggered the sentimental yearnings is what I have been posted (or had posted) there as of my latest entries. Ok, the latest entry, which was as of February 2008 last year, is really not deserving the term "latest". If I may use these words for lack of English words at the moment, I'm afraid I have in essence "abandoned" this site. I have not posted entries here lately. I have reasoned that I took some "rest" in doing blogs, which I may have done, but I never promised myself when I'd come back. I never told myself to go back to my first yearnings when I became rededicated as a Christian. Obviously, my drive towards my first mission has changed... See the thing is, I got to see myself again who I was when I reread my entries at my first blog site. I'm still a rededicated Christian, though I have some struggles lately, and I never went back to who I was when I was a backslider. But to all the Christian folks reading this, I am admitting I have sort of "abandoned" my mission of defending what we believed in. I am feeling some sort of remorse at myself for this. Though I have not backslided, I have undergone some spiritual dryness that when I looked at myself when I wrote those blogs I have thought of myself a different person.

Of course, I cannot wallow myself on self-guilt for a long time. I thank God for this godly guilt of what has been happening between me and this mission. I have just asked God for forgiveness for this particular digression. Now, I am resolving to go back and pursue this mission once again. The banner will be raised, and this time within this week, I am going to retrieve my lost notes of Christian apologetics that I used to have and recompile those. To be practical, I may post a new blog entry at around 2 weeks time. But I'll try to hurry things up. Besides, as I have reread some of my entries there I need to edit some words and post those as new but republished blog entries. Of course not to mention that I have my duties also that would factor in as to how things will progress, I am not going to make this as an excuse this time.

But for the moment, I also have to start packing in for my duty today. So I guess I'll have to stop writing for now. So I guess that's it. Wish you all well and God bless us all.

Back to the Social Sites

That note I posted before this was somewhat of a journal to what I have been feeling during that day. I really do not know what I have gone through, but it's just that I don't know what I have been feeling that time... Anyone reading that could present their own thoughts and theories about it. The worst case scenario I'm having a visual right now is that people would think I was sick.

Having thought of those, I may have just undergone some kind of stress. In those times when I was weird, I was under pressure over many things. At that time, I was pretty unsure what was that I'm feeling... I mean I know what stress is. It's just that I don't know many others of its forms that I start to describing here as detailed as possible here for reference.

Anyway, I'm not saying that social sites are evil and they get you to feel weird things like I did. Pardon me if I appear to have suggested that. Far from it but I was already under pressure when I was doing those surfing ways. But, I still have to limit myself going over those sites on specific times. At least I knew other ways where I could get stressed so that I could manage myself better next time. I mean we get mature over time when we learn something new, yes?

Incoherent...

What I initially planned around 2 hours ago was that I will only go open this laptop, open only Skype just in case a colleague at work would need to contact me, and surf only Multiply to record this stuff has gone partially awry. What is happening now is that I did what I had planned, yes I should have congratulated myself for that, but I also went two of my friends' portal pages, left a message as a reply to a message from one of them, opened Yahoo Messenger appearing online only to a special someone, and peeked at Facebook for some new notifications. Just that; I did nothing else online. Though normally I should have browsed more on Facebook, Multiply and Friendster, checked more on the IT news, go back to Facebook, and view each of my close friends' status messages, beginning of course to that someone special and making whatever comments. But all those normal things I'd do in front of this laptop I am suspending those for tonight.

So what on earth happened. To put it plainly I am having a crisis of emotions since 2 hours ago. Since the start of the day I felt happy, brave, courageous, guilty, vindicated, aroused, jealous, curious, suspicious, unsure, foolish, contemplative, timid, childish, child-like, hard, cold, furious, depressed, lonely... And oh yeah right now I'm sleepy. But the deal is I have been acting more like a teenager today...

To be honest I'd like to write more, but I'm starting to feel sleepy....

Standing At The Edge of The Earth

I knew that this moment would come in time
That I'd have to let go and watch you fly.
I know you're coming back, so why am I dying inside.

Are you searching for words that you can't find?
Trying to hide your emotions but eyes don't lie.
Guess there's no easy way to say goodbye.

So I'll be standing at the edge of the earth,
Hoping that someday you'll come back again.
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth,
Hoping for someday...

Don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say.
I don't want to let you leave this way.
I want you to know that I stand right by your side.

And I know this may be
The very last time that we see each other cry.
But whatever happens know that I'll....

I'll be standing at the edge of the earth,
Hoping that one day you'll come back again.
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth,
Hoping that someday you'll come back to me.
I'll be praying for whatever it's worth,
Believing that one day you'll come back to me.
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth,
Hoping for someday...

And I know this may be
The very last time that we see each other cry.
But whatever happens know that I'll....

I'll be standing at the edge of the earth,
Hoping that one day you'll come back again.
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth,
Hoping that someday you'll come back to me.
I'll be praying for whatever it's worth,
Believing that one day you'll come back to me.
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth,
Hoping for someday...

Waiting for someday...
Believing in someday...
Praying for someday, I'll be....
Longing for someday...
Clinging to someday...
Cherishing someday, I'll be....
Thinking of someday...
Dreaming of someday...
Wishing for someday, I'll be....
Living for someday...
Counting on someday...
Knowing that one day....

I will see you.




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Performed by Blessid Union of Souls

Random thoughts on my study Bible

This is in response to my own promise to have this entry posted. A couple of entries ago, I had posted a hint regarding my own study Bible whose "sticky notes" or commentaries were written by John C. Maxwell.

To those who have not known him, he is one of the topmost sought-after speakers on leadership. He has written many books that hit the best-seller list including The 360-Degree Leader, The 21 Irrefutable Qualities of a Leader, The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, and others. Man, almost a month ago following that leadership training we had at the office I had heard he is at least a top speaker on something a topic about management. At least this is one of the best things the Internet has to offer that you get to know about a certain famous people the moment you start to get interested. You start to go to Google, then Wikipedia, then his own website, then you would start wanting to read those books.

One of those books, his The Maxwell Leadership Bible, registered into my memory. At that time, I did not think it was a study Bible until I went to a bookstore, then started to have second thoughts. After much thought, I finally bought it and I never regretted, actually thankful, to God for the book and for the circumstances that lead to me to buy that book. Currently I'm not in the mood to create a critical review about this book, so I would like to refer you to this link for a review.

Actually, my interest in learning leadership skills started to heighten on mid-December last year 2008 when I went to a Christian bookstore. To put it short I'll just try to outline succinctly the following reasons why I thought God's hand led me to that bookstore:

1. that I had wanted to have a personal study Bible since I became rededicated,
2. that day was the last day of them offering discounts,
3. that book was the only copy they had procured to sell,
4. the money I had was just enough to buy it not on its regular price but on its discounted price,
5. I had the impromptu desire for no apparent reason (at least at that time) that I left immediately after my work shift to check out the bookstore,
6. and if I had left the office taking all the time in the world not in a hurry I would not be able to arrive in time as the store was closing when I arrived.

I have been thinking God must have wanted me to have this book. Not that I was hearing whispering voices or "a booming voice from heaven", but this is pretty much my guess because of the string of reasons presented above.

Oh by the way, this study Bible is the first book I bought that is authored by Dr. Maxwell. I am planning to buy more of the books he authored hoping that I can afford it. Like the new book I bought last Monday, The 360-Degree Leader. I may not buy all of them, though. It is one thing to invest on books about leadership, and quite another to spend only within the constraints of one's budget.

But then again, there is also this faith that can move mountains, and I believe God is still the ultimate source of wisdom whose insights, for instance among many, sustained me how I should deal with my colleagues for the past year that some had thought I had already read a management or leadership book.

2008 Year End Personal Report

Ok, the long vacation break will be over officially by tomorrow. I'm almost sleepy writing this entry. But I promised myself that I would do this tonight...

So here it is, about what happened to me during the previous year 2008. Well, nothing much, really. I had not been on other places than I usually did. Most of the year, I had been just around the house most of the time besides those times at work. 2008 was the year we have undergone major house renovations, upgrading our house from version 1.0 to 1.5. As such there were some parts of the house that -- well, to condense everything into a phrase -- needed to be "guarded", requiring at least a member of the family to be present. Most of the weekends, I was just in house for the same reasons as mentioned.

On weekends, other than being the guard and also on going to the usual places I had gone to, I had just one notable beach tripping with some friends and it was fun. This happened mid-August, and I have been hoping that similar excursions would happen.

At work, I got promoted to a supervisory level, with occasional "immersions" on tasks that I would usually delegate. This was the first time that I had seriously managed a team, and it felt rewarding.

At the church ministry, I had been less active on voluntary tasks that I usually did during Sunday service since 2007. In fact those days, I was not in church because of the house renovations. And with all due humility, I have to admit that this is not an excuse on my part not to attend. Rather it should not be, I just realized. In those days, I did not realize I should have done extra efforts. Failing to contact spiritual siblings in the Church -- notice the capital C of this word at this instance! -- in regular intervals would make me fairly more susceptible on shifting my focus away from God. Along with this enlightenment, I will strive to be more active this year.

So there I have covered it all, I guess. These were the major parts that have happened to me the previous year. I am hopeful for the best what this new year will offer. I may -- emphasis there, to imply I'm not promising -- post this on a new blog entry. But I have to reread and review my other blogs regarding the items that I had promised I will get back. I would like to close some unfinished business on those entries, so I think that will be the focus on my next posts to come.